By XiRen Wang
One of my observations about parents as they are giving advice, is how confidently erroneous they often are, particularly when it comes to schools, areas of study, industry trends, and career paths. As they are often the financial sponsors of dreamers, they wield tremendous influence over the decisions that would shape their children’s lives. Oftentimes, unknowingly and unintentionally to their detriment.
The embarrassing, uncomfortable, and perhaps awkward truth is that parents often don’t know better - unless they themselves are senior year guidance counselors or those working on the frontlines of the trade. Take this from someone whose father is a lifelong academic and mother was a high school teacher - it would seem that they are perfectly poised to give advice, but if I had followed their advice, my academic life and later career would not nearly be as vibrant or fulfilling, and I would have developed resentment as a result of falling deep into the chasms between what they perceived to be true vs what ended up being my reality. Not to mention, I would have ended up with deep student loan debt.
The more accepted truth is that teenagers don’t often know better either, so the obedient ones sometimes take the brunt of the failures caused by the parents' biases and misinformation, while the rebels live their best lives straying further and further away from their parents. Neither are optimal circumstances.
I followed my parents’ advice until junior year, when I realized, upon reading scholarship requirements, entrance requirements, and all things post-secondary, that following their advice would simply not work. The future that they saw and perceived to be true, was a mismatch to the reality that was before me. They had no idea of the complex algorithm that's behind modern day university admissions, nor the stresses or challenges that accompany this journey, but they had good intentions and wanted me to be successful.
Like many other parents, their intentions and the force of their actions became antithetical, but parents have an unshakeable confidence in their way being the right way. When it just isn’t so, it’s the children who suffer the consequences. When it comes to post-secondary choices, parents wield influence but not responsibilities. This hardly seems a fair race to those running it.
Compared to my peers, I was more privileged than most, but even so, certain privileges did not convert to advantages. Because my father has toured just about all the top universities in the world, as someone focused on the undergraduate experience, the picture I had in my mind - of the post-secondary world, was mostly constructed on his advice - until information sessions and university fairs broke that illusion.
My father, as knowledgeable as he was, had no idea what was directly before me - what the scholarship applications demanded and the questions that the entrance applications asked about, pointed to a world that my parents had never experienced, and therefore, couldn’t possibly project, imagine, or confirm exists. I already graduated top of my class, an extra few percentages on my average would not have made any difference in any of my applications across the board. But my father insisted that I wasted too much time volunteering and doing anything that wasn't studying. This is particularly common among Asian cultures. He didn't approve of any activities beyond scholastic realms, but I carried on anyway, battling disapproval with arguments and fights that continued to hurt our relationship for years beyond university. My one saving grace was that my strong-willed fights earned me (more than) a full ride for my (very global) education among top schools in England, Canada, and France. Free education, but at a hefty price tag in my personal and family life. I wish I knew then what I know now, because it didn't have to be this way.
Times have changed, and are constantly changing. This difference multiplies exponentially when there is a change of geography or culture tied to the post-secondary experience.
What is often imprinted in the parental mindset is an outdated picture at best. In an age where even our devices refuse to run on outdated software, how well do you think your outdated advice will perform on your kids?
Elite performance starts with an elite mindset, for all those invested in your child’s future, including, or particularly the parents.
Self-reflection is tough, but without it, the consequences could be a lot more costly and sabotaging. Because advice often comes with such a great margin of error, parents should take their part (a lot) more seriously, and be cognizant that their impact on their children leads them to be grateful or resentful. Where the needle points to, is both reflection and result of parental impact.
Due to the nature of parental dynamics, and the conditioning of a lifetime of making decisions for their children, it’s counter-intuitive to both let go and admit lack of knowledge. Parents are used to being parents, not students. This kind of “parental inertia” can become challenging as they start to have opposite effects on children as they become older, more knowledgeable, and less inclined to operate within the confinement of the parents’ “safe-zone”.
As difficult as it is to acknowledge and accept, children’s paths are their own to take, and post-secondary choices often mark the first step on this path. They are no longer "children". They are not the extension of their parents’ fantasy. They do not owe their parents to shoulder their burden or unfulfilled dreams. They are their own persons. They have their own journeys.
In an age where mindfulness is more and more prioritized, I wholeheartedly wish all the parents could practice being rockstar mindful beings. Here are seven things you could try, perhaps one a day, and repeat:
1. Have the humility to admit that there are things you don’t know, be open to learning more.
Shutting down ideas that do not align with your stronghold views or biases do not serve anyone.
2. Get to know what "success" means to your children.
Everyone defines it differently. Maybe your kid doesn't want to pursue post-secondary institutionalized studies at all. What you define as "success" may not be what feels like success in their lives. Some people define success as the fulfillment of one's desires. So, find out what they are. After all, there's no argument that an unfulfilled life is not really successful.
3. Make an effort to have a better relationship with your children.
Be an active listener, learner, and participant in your children’s lives. Don't simply project demands and expectations. We all need to be heard and validated more than anything. Try rewarding your children for good behavior instead of punishing them for “bad” behavior. Try not to dismiss what they deem to be important. Sometimes, they don't need a "solve" - they just need to be validated by the people who matter most.
4. Stop projecting your own fears and pain onto your children.
Life is difficult enough as it is, and more than anything these days, our lives are more fragmented because of the fears and pain we each carry. Teenagers are rarely equipped with the tools to cope with their own anxieties - they don't need carryovers from anyone. They have inherited much from the family already - good and bad. Consciously and unconsciously, they've already racked up a lifetime of behaviors that are passed down from the parents. Don Miguel Ruiz calls this "domestication", which would affect our lives for years beyond our consciousness.
5. Stop projecting your own bias and judgment onto your children.
We all carry bias and judgment as a result of our own miscalculations, losses, and failures. It's natural to give fair-warning, but that should be all.
6. Stop comparing your children to whomever you’ve selected as your poster child.
More and more, social media has exposed and encouraged bragging among parents. Putting up someone else's highlight reel to make your own child feel inferior is not only cruel, but emotionally immature and unloving. It doesn't matter what your intentions are - the end result is your child feeling like they are never enough. This sentiment, perhaps more than anything else, punctures a deep hole that will take a very long time in the future to heal, if at all. Not to mention, it's a classic textbook example of a root emotion that draws people towards poor relationship choices. Post-secondary life is only 4 years. There exists life beyond these 4 years, and the feeling of not being enough will underwrite far more than these 4.
7. Stop taking or denying their paths for them.
Both risks and rewards are integral parts of their own journey. Every parent wishes for stability, success, safety, good health, and prosperity for their children. But few cases of sustainable or lasting success is passed down, without a track record of failure. Not to mention, more and more young people, at the beginning of their journeys, look for excitement, risk, and even danger - stability as a value comes often much later in life. We each go through a process of growing and changing. No one goes from 18 to 45. Both taking paths and denying paths for your children are examples of the fear mentality at work. This kind of mindset hurts all involved. The more afraid someone is to fail, the more they'll stay away from even trying. What kind of quality of life does one have when one doesn't even try?
The choices and decisions that affect post-secondary life come at a tricky time for all - biology and psychology are not on anyone's side. Teenagers are often peaking in their rebellious years when post-secondary decisions are being made, and parental impact can often bring more friction than fortune when executed poorly. It's important to keep in mind that whatever decisions are made during this time, their impact will last much longer beyond the four years. Human fallacies derail the best of us, and this gets especially complicated when parents are unable to let go, and kids are unable to be heard.
We can only change our world by changing who we are. No one is ever coddled to success. The more you inject your limiting thoughts, the more it backfires. Life is brutal enough on its own, and parental energy can either impede or aid each battle along the way. Once we become mindful of the energies that we project, there is growing hope and optimism for a better and healthier life for all.
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